Defense Mechanism Breaks a Spring

I just had a defense mechanism break a spring.

I'm writting a pseudo-script to use when I MC the upcoming Quilta Awards at QCT. I had an revelation about the silly defense mechanism that I have used, mostly unconsciously, for most of my life. I realized that I have consistenly berated myself in front of people. I think it has something to do with lowering expectations to take off pressure in case I fail. Then, anything above failure is a success. Huh, sounds stupid to me, but the subconsious is wierd. Of course the end result is if you present yourself as an idiot then you believe that you're an idiot. I find that I say that a lot to myself, "you idiot, that was stupid".

I have always pushed myself to do things that are outside of my comfort zone. I think the only good thing about my silly problem is that it does allow me to experiment and not worry about looking like an idiot, hell, I am one anyway. I don't care if you think I'm an idiot, I know I am, so what? I mean, how else could I do the stupid TV commercials I do or stand on stage in my underwear, just for a laugh.

Of course the negatives far outweigh any positive effects. I have developed such low self-confidence any more that I just don't trust my own judgement very much. I have run from any leadership skills that I know I have.

So, what I'm trying to figure out now is how do I keep the good and get rid of the bad.

I have been getting more involved in leadership activites both at work and away. Doing the MC for QCT and for the MAF forces me to think and act diferently. Working on the MAF (Midsummer Art Faire) steering committee and working especially with Kathy and Jewel has helped remind me of my leadership skills. They are pretty rusty from unuse. Getting more family out of the business has had a effect on my confidence too. I helps not being second guessed all the time and having employees who respect your judgement.

Well, getting the thoughts down in writing is a good start.